Innate insecurity
It is natural for people to feel insecure when threatened by the loss of something that matters deeply to them. If their comfort is disrupted by an unpredictable threat, most people have mastered defense mechanisms that help them overcome their legitimate feelings of sadness and fear. Over time, they are able to move on.
Sadly, there are people who suffer deeper levels of anxiety and may also have had multiple losses from the past. As relationship partners, they may have more difficulty rebalancing when abandoned by a once-trusted partner. They feel significantly more helpless and hopeless, as though they will never be able to trust love again. Sometimes, almost unable to function, their pain overcomes any hope that they will ever get better.
It is natural for people to feel insecure when threatened by the loss of something that matters deeply to them. If their comfort is disrupted by an unpredictable threat, most people have mastered defense mechanisms that help them overcome their legitimate feelings of sadness and fear. Over time, they are able to move on.
Sadly, there are people who suffer deeper levels of anxiety and may also have had multiple losses from the past. As relationship partners, they may have more difficulty rebalancing when abandoned by a once-trusted partner. They feel significantly more helpless and hopeless, as though they will never be able to trust love again. Sometimes, almost unable to function, their pain overcomes any hope that they will ever get better.
Most people confuse true love with infatuation even though these two concepts couldn’t be more different. Love is about realistically seeing who the other person is, flaws and all, and appreciating the entire picture. It doesn’t make demands or need things to be a certain way, it grows and flows effortlessly creating an environment where both people bring out the best in one another.
Infatuation is about creating an unrealistic image of who the other person is and turning your EX into some supreme, perfect being. The biggest sign you’re infatuated is if you can’t find a single flaw in the other person. Infatuation usually happens because you have a void in your life that he/she fills. You don’t feel good enough about yourself and this supreme being shows interest in you, making you feel desirable and worthy, and you cling to your EX or more of that feeling.
Your EX approval makes you feel OK…it makes you feel “good enough,” at least temporarily. Since your EX gives you something you need so desperately, you become terrified of losing your EX, and then the panic sets in…what if your Ex loses interest? How can I keep him / her
You let him/her get away with as much bad behavior as he/she wants because you’re too afraid to call him/her out and risk losing him/her . As he/she retreats, you do anything in your power to reel him/her back in. You’re in a relationship where you’re not being treated the way you want, and yet, you can’t rip yourself away. So you stay.
You haven't let yourself grieve to completion.
In a culture that's addicted to the happy face and has little tolerance for people struggling with life, it's easy to internalize the message that "you should be over him or her already," even if the breakup only happened a few months ago.
There is no timeline on grief. One person may grieve fully and feel complete after a few weeks and another person will need nine months or longer to fully process the pain of a breakup. Attending to your heartbreak with compassion and curiosity, instead of trying to "get over it" or avoid it through distractions, is the single-most important action you can take in the aftermath of a breakup.
Grieving is the medicine for loss. We grieve through crying, through expressing anger responsibly, through writing letters to the ex that we never send, through processing memories, and through talking with a trusted friend or counselor. When the grief is truncated, it stagnates in the body, damming up your natural flow of energy and prohibiting you from moving forward with joy.
You can’t face the fact that it’s over
“A lot of singles can’t completely come to terms that it’s over,” Tebb says. “So you’re maybe holding to the idea that you can still fix it. You don’t want to let go because you’re focusing on the positive times [in the relationship] and you’re not really focused on where you went wrong and why the relationship ended.”
Tebb says that sometimes people can’t accept that a relationship’s over because they didn’t see the end coming.
“They may not have noticed the signs that it was starting to fail,” she says. “So you refuse to start over because you’ve invested so much time into this relationship that you just can’t get over them.”
You Think you will never find someone else as amazamazing as your Ex
This is the biggest breakup myth of all and the reason most people find it so hard to get over their first love. They cling to the belief that since they never experienced anything like that before, they
never will again.
never will again.
You convince yourself that no other man on the planet has the same qualities as your Ex and thus, you have two choices: get your Ex back or settle for someone who will never measure up. I hope you can recognize the absurdity in this! Will you meet someone else exactly like your Ex? No, because no two people are exactly alike and even still, you and your Ex broke up proving someone exactly like your EX is not exactly what you need. You won’t find someone with your EX exact qualities….you will find someone even better and more compatible with you.
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