“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
-Mignon McLaughlin
“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”
-Robert Quillen
“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”
-Sam Keen
Once we figured out that we could not change each other, we became free to celebrate ourselves as we are.”
-H. Dean Rutherford
“Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.”
-Henry Ford
“Marriage is a commitment- a decision to do, all through life, that which will express your love for one’s spouse.”
-Herman H. Kieval
“The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.”
-Unknown
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”
-Ogden Nash
Marriage doesn’t make you happy–you make your marriage happy.”
-Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott
“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.”
-Barnett R. Brickner
Relationships are not a "one size fit all" type of thing. Every single relationship has its own needs. It is up to you and your loved one to figure out the individual needs of your relationship. As you grow together you will know what makes you happy, eventually, that's what will work for you.
Forgiveness
Happy couples learn to forgive. You are not perfect and neither is your partner, so learning to let go of the things that hinder your happiness will result in more loving and enjoyable moments. Forgiving is not always easy. Don't expect this to happen as a miracle, it will take lots of practice, time, and patience to perfect it.
One way to appreciate the value of forgiveness is to think about the consequences of not forgiving. Not forgiving your partner will equal bitterness, less shared moments together, and emotional disconnection. If you are truly in love, you don't want any of that to happen.
Respect compliment and mutual admiration
Respect and admiration are really important in marriage. Both the partners should support and respect each other as well as their professions. Even in the case of disagreement with the partner, showing the respect is a must.
Always cherish the spouse and look for qualities to appreciate. This helps to keep the bond stronger and also adds a feeling of security in the relationship.
Always keep calm and don’t let the love fade away with time by keeping the above mentioned points in mind.
“A compliment a day keeps the divorce attorney away.” Acknowledging your partner’s positive attributes every day, and paying compliments, will go a long way in your relationships. Stay positive, and keep track of what your spouse does well. When the going gets rough and his not-so-great attributes come forward, rather than focusing on the negative, try switching gears, and point out the positive stuff instead.
Acceptance
Happy couples accept each other. You need to accept your partner for who he/she is. Couples who are often trying to "change" each other just add tension to the relationship and that tension becomes a stone on the road to happiness. One way to be more accepting is to remind yourself of what initially attracted you to your partner.
Another way is to celebrate the positive things and give less importance to the negatives. Remember that acceptance is one of our basic needs and no one should be deprived of it. There are things that you and your partner will need to change for the better, but neither of you should feel pushed or forced to do it. A happy couple grows together as well.
Brag about your spouse
Lift them up in front of your friends. Start bragging about your husband or wife. Boast about your marriage. Profess your love for your husband or wife, publicly.
“I love being married to my wife—she's the best thing that ever happened to me.”
- Matt Damon (married to Luciana Barroso).
Kiss Good-Bye in the Morning
Kissing good-bye in the mornings can start your day off with a more positive attitude. German physicians and psychologists found that men who kissed their spouses good-bye before heading off for work each morning live an average of five years longer and earn 20 to 30 percent more money than other men.
Men who kissed their wives before leaving even had a lower chance of getting into a car accident on their way to work. Couples in a happy marriage don’t overlook the small things, like a quick kiss before parting, because they feel the positive benefits.
Spend Quality Time Together
Good quality time is what helps a relationship to maintain its connection. Happy couples make it a priority in their relationship to spend time with each other. Once you get married, your daily responsibility can become overwhelming and can force you to deprive yourself of enjoyable moments. You and your partner need to set aside time for fun.
This is very personal so you will need to talk and make an agreement on what works best for you. Don't overthink it! A lot of couples have lots of excuses when it comes to spending time together because they feel that they need to go all out. In reality, your quality time could be at home, at the park, at a coffee shop, or whatever works for you. What truly matters is that you are together and devoting time to each other.
Ensure 5 good times for every bad time
According to Dr Gottman, stable marriages need five good interactions for every not-so-good one. 'Good' could mean a loving hug, a fun afternoon spent together, or a nice chat about a movie, anything positive. A 'bad' interaction may be a row, disagreement, or disappointment.
So make efforts to keep to the 5/1 rule. This will work even better if you follow the next tip.
Gottman highlights four factors that rot relationships. He calls these (dramatically) the 'Four Riders of the Apocalypse'. They are:
1. Contempt: Name calling, face pulling, cursing at and insulting your partner, and basically behaving as if you are revolted is 'contempt'. Gottman and his researchers in Seattle found that if this was a regular feature in the start-up phase of a disagreement, then the relationship's days were very likely to be numbered. Women who looked contemptuous whilst their husband was talking were six times more likely to be divorced two years later.
2. Defensiveness: "Why are you picking on me? Don't look at me like that! What's your problem?!"
"But I was just offering you a cup of tea!"
Another major predictor of eventual relationship breakdown is over-defensiveness. If someone begins yelling as soon as their partner broaches a subject and feels overly threatened or attacked, and this is a continuing and regular feature of the couple's interactions, then the relationship is in crisis. Being defensive blocks communication and severs intimacy.
3. Don't criticize but do compliment
Partners who criticize one another risk damaging their relationship beyond repair... This doesn't mean you should never complain if your spouse upsets you, but a criticism is much more damaging than a simple complaint.
When you criticize, you attack the whole person (even if that's not what you mean to do); a complaint is directed at one-off behaviours rather than the core identity of the person. For example: "You are such a lazy £"*tard!" implies they are always like that and that it's a fundamental part of who they are. It's not specific or time-limited as is "I thought you were being a bit lazy today! That's not like you!"
Some partners feel they are trying to 'improve' their spouse by constantly pointing out what is wrong with them. Even if the intention is good, the consequences are not. Criticizing partners publically is humiliating (for both partners), but saying nice things about them when in company is a wonderful thing to do.
People in happy marriages feel appreciated, loved, and respected. Remind your spouse of their talents, strengths, and what you love and like about them much more. No one likes to feel they are under constant attack.
4. Withdrawal or 'stonewalling'
Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, 'closing your ears' or 'shutting off' when a partner is complaining is another huge predictor of breakdown. Whilst criticizing was generally more of a female trait, men used stonewalling more. Men's biology is less able to cope with strong emotion than women's, so men may instinctively try to avoid entering arguments or becoming highly aroused by stonewalling.
The partner may withdraw during conversations by 'switching off' or ultimately spend more and more time away from the relationship as a way of 'escaping'. The danger is that the stonewalling pattern will become permanent and the partner using this strategy will use it to isolate themselves from potentially positive parts of the relationship.
Everyone needs space, but never responding to an emotional issue leaves the other partner out in the cold.
Rather surprisingly, if even just one of these factors or 'riders' is present regularly in disputes, the outlook for the relationship is poor. Does your marriage contain any of these 'riders'?
And how else can you make your marriage happier?
Use team work to resolve marital issues
The words couples use when they disagree can make a big difference in their marital satisfaction. Couples with a happy marriage tend to use the words like “us,” “we,” or “our,” according to a 2009 study published in the Journal of Psychology and Aging.
Couples who used language that showed a desire to work as a team experienced less stress during arguments. They showed more affection and had less negative behaviors overall. Happy couples resolve conflict by using teamwork.
Be accountable and responsible in family issues
Do you distance yourself from family problems?
This makes your spouse feel you are very uncaring and irresponsible. Family problems can never be one sided. It is always mutual.
You marry because of the emotional security it gives you. But you fail to see the duties and responsibilities that also come along with marriage. While your mind easily accepts the emotional security and happiness married life gives you, it shies away from the responsibilities your marriage thrusts on you.
There are times when you commit certain silly mistakes which brings great trouble into your relationship.
Financial miscalculations makes your interaction highly volatile. Blaming your spouse unnecessarily only aggravates your relationship problems. Never side track from accepting your faults. When you are apologetic your spouse is ready to forgive you.
Don’t be egoistic and adamant that you never did anything wrong. Being accountable is yet another secret towards a happy marriage.
You don’t need to be right all the time
Drop the ego. You don’t always have to be right, or your partner wrong. Such behaviour will only impede the opportunity for your conversation to have a win-win result. In the long run, does it really matter who is right? Or is it more important to create an environment where the opinions and beliefs of both spouses are of value?
Say Thank You
Saying thank you to your spouse is really a small thing to do that can have a big impact on your marriage, according to researchers from Arizona State University. Their 2007 study revealed that when people thanked their partner for completing chores, it led to less resentment over a perceived imbalance in household duties. Showing appreciation for one another’s contribution to the family can be an easy way to maintain a happy marriage.
Discuss your finances and spending habits
Statistics indicate that nearly half of all married couples argue over money issues. This speaks loudly of the major reason most couples fight. If one is a tight-wad and the other spends money like it’s going out of fashion, it can’t help but create problems in your marriage. Therefore, talk honestly about spending habits. It’s important to establish spending expectations, set goals and decide on a financial plan for your family.
Honest and open communication
No doubt, communication is a key to a healthy relationship. One should always convey their feelings with honesty so that the other person can understand your feelings in the best way. It has been observed that the lack of communication leads to couples losing touch with one another that can prove to be harmful for the relationship.
Even when things are going south, try to be patient and discuss what is going wrong and what’s lacking in the relationship. Discussions helps to solve the matter sooner as talking is the key to a stronger relationship.
Speak their love language
Learn your spouse’s love language and practice it. Dr. Gary Chapman has found 5 different love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
“We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want them to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in his or her primary love language.”
- Dr Gary Chapman (Author of The 5 Love Languages)
Seek Excitement and Surprise One Another
Staving off boredom in marriage is an important part of maintaining a happy relationship. Boredom in a marriage can undermine marital satisfaction, according to a study published in the Journal of Psychological Science in March of 2009.
Maintain excitement in your marriage by going on dates, surprising one another frequently, and looking for new activities to do together as a couple. Keeping the relationship fresh and exciting can increase your chance of long-term success.
Sorry should not be the hardest word
Ever noticed how some people can never apologize, never admit they were wrong, never say, "Sorry"? Yes? Well, those are the ones who are much less likely to become or stay married
A survey conducted in San Francisco found that people who stay happily married are twice as likely to be able and willing to apologize to their partners as divorced or single people are. The survey found happily married people are 25% more likely to apologize first, even if they only feel partially to blame. The harder divorced and single people found it ever to apologize or make conciliatory gestures, the more likely they were to stay single.
Romance and passion may bring couples together, but compromise and respect will keep them there. Learn to say sorry.
Quarrelling is fine. Hating is not
There is nothing wrong with being mad with your spouse after a heated argument. There is even nothing wrong with strongly disliking them at that moment. However, there is something wrong with harboring those ill feelings to the point of harming your relationship.
Following those times of disagreement, help yourself to calm down by reminding yourself of what you love about them or why you married your spouse in the first place, and you’ll be surprised at how easily those loving feelings return.
Never take one another for granted
Taking one another for granted may be the most toxic pathogen of all. Once they are comfortable, it is easy for couples to begin to slip
into a complacent state – and expectations form. This is actually only a matter of human nature, as we get comfortable with what is familiar, but in marriage, you absolutely should never come to a place where you take your partner for granted.
Pledge to respect your partner indefinitely no matter what. Avoid assumptions, and offer to do nice things for your partner whenever possible.
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