Aristotle said : "We are what we repeatedly do,"Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit." It's true, whether we're talking about ourselves our children.
Wealthy parents give their kids a giant advantage, simply by raising them in more privileged neighborhoods.
Creating a solid support system at home constitutes the crux of raising well rounded kids. Your goal is to make your child feel confident and competent. This shall be one of the best ways to develop her sense of purpose in life.
When it comes to raising kids, you will be confronted will plenty of advices that are enough to confuse you. The best way you can raise your child is by understanding her.
Remember every child is unique and strategies that may work for others may not be suitable for you. You cannot expect yourself to be perfect every time, but make sure to learn from your own mistakes.
Promote a healthy body image
Having a healthy body image is especially important for girls, although it can affect boys as well.
According to a study conducted by the Institute of Child Health, one-third of 13-year-old girls are upset over their weight. In addition, research by Dove found that 69% of mothers make negative comments about their bodies in front of their children. This affects their children’s own body image.
Here are some ways to promote a healthy body image in your children:
Focus on the health benefits of exercise, rather than on how it affects your appearance.
Focus more on your children’s character and skills development, and less on their appearance.
Exercise together as a family.
Talk to your children about how the media influences the way we view our bodies.
Don’t talk about how guilty you feel after eating certain foods.
Don’t pass judgment on other people’s appearance.
Don’t shout at your children
Dr. Laura Markham describes how yelling at your children can quickly turn your home into a perpetual battleground. Children who live in such a hostile environment are more likely to feel insecure and anxious.
If you’re on the verge of losing your temper, remove yourself from the situation. Take 10 minutes to collect your thoughts before speaking to your child again. Practice empathizing with your children’s feelings through a process called “emotion coaching.”
If it helps, imagine that your friend or boss is there with you in the room. This way, you’ll speak more calmly to your children.
Teach your children to forgive
Dr. Martin Seligman, widely recognized as the father of positive psychology, has identified forgiveness as a key element that leads to happiness in children. Unforgiveness has even been linked to depression and anxiety.
Children who learn to forgive are able to turn negative feelings about the past into positive ones. This increases their levels of happiness and life satisfaction.
They have healthy relationships with each other
Children in high-conflict families, whether intact or divorced, tend to fare worse than children of parents that get along, according to a University of Illinois study review.
Robert Hughes Jr., professor and head of the Department of Human and Community Development at the University of Illinois and the study review author, also notes that some studies have found children in nonconflictual single-parent families fare better than children in conflictual two-parent families.
The conflict between parents prior to divorce also affects children negatively, while post-divorce conflict has a strong influence on children's adjustment, Hughes says.
One study found that, after divorce, when a father without custody has frequent contact with his kids and there is minimal conflict, children fare better. But when there is conflict, frequent visits from the father are related to poorer adjustment of children.
Yet another study found that 20-somethings who experienced divorce of their parents as children still report pain and distress over their parent's divorce ten years later. Young people who reported high conflict between their parents were far more likely to have feelings of loss and regret.
Teach them to try. And not to worry about failing (or much else).
You've probably read about the idea of adopting a growth mindset versus a fixed or scarcity mindset. Short version: For your kids, you want a growth mindset. You want them to view failure, which happens to all of us, as a chance to learn and grow--not as an ending. In other words, don't worry.
More than that, try to control your level of stress, or at least to control the extent to which they perceive your stress.
Give your children more time to play
When I say “play,” I’m not referring to arcade or iPad games. I’m referring to unstructured playtime, preferably outdoors.
Raising Happiness describes how playtime is essential for children’s learning and growth. The research even indicates that the less unstructured playtime children have, the more likely they are to have developmental issues related to their physical, emotional, social, and mental well-being.
Having a playful attitude is even linked to superior academic performance. So give your children more unstructured playtime, and they’ll become better students.
Get them excited about math (early).
I certainly remember my mom drilling me on multiplication tables as a kid. (Not kidding: "Three nines? Two sixes? Five fifteens?") It worked: Now I'm a billionaire.*
Reading to young children is important, but it turns out teaching them math skills is crucial as well. In one study of 35,000 young children, early math skills translated into not only "future math achievement," according to the study's co-author, Greg Duncan of Northwestern University, but also "future reading achievement."
Teach and demonstrate high educational expectations.
We're combining two practices here, but they're related. First, a University of Michigan study finds that if you want your kids to go to college, present yourself as a good role model by making sure you finish your education first. Meantime, make it clear that you expect them to study through college, too.
"Parents who saw college in their child's future seemed to manage their child toward that goal irrespective of their income and other assets," says UCLA professor Neal Halfon, who studied data from 6,600 kids born in 2001.
Allow your children to make their own choices (including choosing their own punishment).
The Secrets of Happy Families discusses a University of California study, which identified the benefits of letting children plan their own schedules and set their own goals.
These children were more likely to become disciplined and focused, and to make wiser decisions in the future.
The researchers also found that it’s helpful for parents to let their children choose their own punishments. Children who do so break the rules less frequently.
Let your children pick their own activities too, whenever possible. Dr. Rich Gilman discovered that children who participate in structured school activities that they’ve chosen are 24% more likely to enjoy going to school.
So as your children get older, give them the freedom to make more of their own choices. They’ll become happier and more successful as a result.
Teach them social skills.
Have you ever worked with socially awkward people? It'll probably be no surprise to you to learn then that a 20-year study at Penn State and Duke found that kids with good social skills turned out to be more successful.
"Socially competent children who could cooperate with their peers without prompting, be helpful to others, understand their feelings, and resolve problems on their own, were far more likely to earn a college degree and have a full-time job by age 25 than those with limited social skills," Gillett and Baer wrote.
Show them work ethic--and achievement.
If you want your kids to behave a certain way, the most likely way to make it happen is to model good behavior. (The second most effective way might be to model really bad behavior and let them learn from your mistakes. But I'm going to suggest the first idea.)
Moreover, a Harvard Business School study shows that kids who grow up with working moms have advantages over those who don't. As Gillett and Baer wrote, "The study found daughters of working mothers went to school longer, were more likely to have a job in a supervisory role, and earned more money -- 23 percent more compared to their peers who were raised by stay-at-home mothers."
Make your kids do chores.
Take out the garbage, mow the lawn, do the dishes--they're not just ways to make your life easier, they're ways to make your kids' lives better, too.
"By making them do chores ... they realize, 'I have to do the work of life in order to be part of life,'" Julie Lythcott-Haims, a former Stanford University dean and the author of How to Raise an Adult, told Tech Insider.
Be an "authoritative" parent, rather than an authoritarian or a permissive one. Create a world in which your child "grows up with a respect for authority, but doesn't feel strangled by it.
Teach them to develop good relationships.
We've all heard of parents whose marriages were failing but who decided to stay together for the sake of the kids. That might be admirable, but it matters more that they have good relationships with each parent, and with siblings (if they have any).
First, a study at the University of Illinois showed that it matters more that kids grow up in a home without conflict among their peers and siblings than that their parents are together. And second, a study of children born into poverty reported that "children who received 'sensitive caregiving' in their first three years" of life did better in school, and then had "healthier relationships and greater academic attainment in their 30s," Gillett and Baer wrote.They're less stressed
A 2014 study of 243 people born into poverty found that children who received "sensitive caregiving" in their first three years not only did better in academic tests in childhood, but had healthier relationships and greater academic attainment in their 30s.
As reported on PsyBlog, parents who are sensitive caregivers "respond to their child's signals promptly and appropriately" and "provide a secure base" for children to explore the world.
"This suggests that investments in early parent-child relationships may result in long-term returns that accumulate across individuals' lives," coauthor and University of Minnesota psychologist Lee Raby said in an interview.
Ensure that your children get enough sleep
Research shows that children who get insufficient sleep:
Have poorer brain function
Can’t focus well
Are more likely to become obese
Are less creative
Are less able to manage their emotions
Scary list, isn’t it?
To help your children get enough sleep, establish a consistent bedtime routine and limit stimulating activities after dinner.
In addition, don’t allow screen time within one to two hours of bedtime. This is because the blue light from electronic devices affects sleep patterns and inhibits melatonin production.
You can also make your children’s bedroom as quiet and dark as possible, to improve their sleep quality.
They're less stressed
According to recent research cited by Brigid Schulte at The Washington Post, the number of hours that moms spend with kids between ages 3 and 11 does little to predict the child's behavior, well-being, or achievement.
What's more, the "intensive mothering" or "helicopter parenting" approach can backfire.
"Mothers' stress, especially when mothers are stressed because of the juggling with work and trying to find time with kids, that may actually be affecting their kids poorly," study coauthor and Bowling Green State University sociologist Kei Nomaguchi told The Post.
Emotional contagion — or the psychological phenomenon where people "catch" feelings from one another like they would a cold — helps explain why. Research shows that if your friend is happy, that brightness will infect you; if she's sad, that gloominess will transfer as well. So if a parent is exhausted or frustrated, that emotional state could transfer to the kids.
Focus on the process, not the end result
Parents who overemphasize achievement are more likely to bring up children who have psychological problems and engage in risky behavior, as described in Raising Happiness.
The alternative to focusing on achievement?
Focus on the process.
As Dr. Carol Dweck’s research shows, children who concentrate on effort and attitude – not on the desired result – end up attaining greater success in the long run.
So look out for opportunities to acknowledge your children’s good behavior, attitude, and effort. As time goes by, they’ll naturally achieve better outcomes.
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